Leaving the Country Road

So I left Morgantown with no paper qualification in my hand. Not much I can do about it then. I could’ve done better earlier before it gets to that, but no use in crying over spilled milk. Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. As I had articulated it then, I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with my life.

Getting on with my life was what I did. Part of that involved making tough decisions that I wouldn’t have made now, from my current perspective. Those were things that I had to do based on the then prevailing need. It got me to where I am now, so most of it must had been the right decisions. Not necessarily correct, but right nonetheless.

I shed a bit of tears on the small plane when it left Morgantown airport for Pittsburgh, on my way back to Malaysia. An elderly lady beside me tried to console me – little did she knew that it was not because of leaving friends behind after so long together. It was more because of 4.5 years earlier I stepped down from (maybe) the same small plane with high hopes – a future of good life for me and my families, a source of pride for my communities, etc. I was with 13 other colleagues at that time, and more than ten senior Malaysian students waited for us at the airport, with several more waiting in an apartment for the reception party.

Only two friends sent me to the airport when I left that day. One was a colleague who later on had to leave home incomplete as well, and another a local close friend, a classmate in I.E studies. And I was by myself on the trip home.

It was one of the loneliest journeys of my life. No, wait – that was the most lonesome walk that I had in my whole life. From Pittsburgh to Los Angeles, then through Seattle and all the way to Tokyo; while being “alone” on the plane I had ample time to recap better on what had transpired. It wasn’t all gloomy – no point in making the situation worse. In fact, I was able to firm up on what I wanted to do next. I made mental notes on the next general course of actions. One of the items was that I would not go back to my hometown(s) until I got something to show for myself.

It wasn’t a very long lonesome journey - only up until reached Tokyo. Made some new friends on the Malaysian Airlines flight back to KL, and one of them was a young movie editor for the film Kembara…Seniman Jalanan. Didn’t tell him everything but informed him that I wasn’t planning to go home just yet. Accepted his invitation to bunk over at his place at TTDI for awhile until after I “got a job” and a place of my own. After three days, a former college mate at WVU came to pick me up and brought me to his place at Section 14, PJ.

I went back to my parent’s village, a Felda settlement in northern Kuala Terengganu two weeks later. Returned to Paka, a place where I grew up, only after two years in 1988. People still asked questions, but it was easier to answer – truthfully or half-truths – when you had your confidence and swagger back.

There are more events to be detailed. My kids still did not know a quarter of it.

Starting Out After One Ending

I left Morgantown, USA in February, 1986. Dionne Warwick & Friends song “That’s What Friend’s Are For” was topping the Billboard charts at the time, while Mr. Mister’s “Kyrie” and “Sara” by Starship was controlling the radio airwaves. Left without meeting the requirement on academic qualifications.

When the scholarship sponsor’s rep asked me what I wanted to do, after it was confirmed that my scholarship was not being extended beyond the normal four years, without big hesitation (well, maybe for a few seconds to gather my courage) I answered that they can send me home.

I had the option of staying put to complete my studies but I had to pay everything on my own. Yeah, right. I already spent the previous semester without scholarship, hoping that the extension would come forth. Friends chipped in for the college tuition fees (soft loans), and I put in some part time jobs for my sustenance. It was not a way to live, I’m telling you. I heard a lot of people did it, but I had my reasons for not being able to.

That work-for-your-studies period was already an extra semester over the four years scholarship period. After rough periods in Chemical Engineering for three years, decided to change to Industrial Engineering studies two semesters earlier. Was doing alright in I.E, even though not much completed technical credit hours were able to be transferred from Ch.E. Extensive summer classes took care of some of that. Just need one more senior semester to complete for graduation.

Most friends advised against me going back with nothing. They were right on all counts but I have to decide for my own good. As much as I can recall, I told them to the effect that, rather than “having to eat sands” in a foreign place (direct translation), I’d as soon scrape the bottom of the barrel in my own backyard (current addition of idiom). Actually, what I said was, (direct translation again) I’ll know how “to scrape in the morning for morning’s meal, and evening scraping for evening’s meal” for my own mouth, in my own familiar areas. Even though failing everybody’s expectations (friends’, relatives’ and communities’) was an ultra-big issue for me then, I had to look at the then immediate future.

I did not think I could survive then, to complete my studies on my own - physically and emotionally - without scholarship money, or other financial assistance. The college friends had done so much for me already, and I didn’t want to impose / burden on them further. I was very sure that I will make it better on my own turf. I’ll know what to do, and I’ll find my back-ups in case things didn’t turn out alright along the way, on my home field; the home sweet home Malaysia. As the famous song of where I was says: “Country road take me home, to the place I belong, West Virginia mountain mama, take me home, country road”. It was cynically cruel that I was already there on the country road home, but was moving on the opposite road to go to my true home; to the place that I truly belong, West Malaysia!

There was no point in staying if the reason for staying was to complete my study, but the conditions – on most fronts - were not conducive for me to achieve that. It was time to move on, and find other paths to go on with my life.

I did not look at it this way then, but now it was like retreating from a battle to fight another day, to win the war.

To cut it straight to the mid-movie chase, I got back to Malaysia ready for more life skirmishes and battles by being just a “rank-and-file” instead of the equivalent of a commissioned officer. And battling it out I did. There were several instances that I had to decide whether to go for the win, or just not to lose the war.

I am definitely not losing it. I might already have won without myself knowing it.

More in next postings.

Vanity, narcissism, or self-derogatory

I woke up one morning sitting on the edge of the bed looking into the cloth cabinet mirror. After a little post-waking up stretching, did some facial exercise while looking at my image. Having done a clean facial shave and just had a close haircut the night before, I thought I resemble a bit like Laurence Fishburne. With a bit more puffed-up face of course. I think it was “in the chin”…
Although I would much prefer to be put alongside the likes of Denzel Washington (since Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt is too far off the mark), Larry’s resemblance is not too bad. Having said that, Morgan Freeman and Samuel L. Jackson also come into the picture.
Of course Big Sam is more similar to Laurence Fishburne but it’s “the snow on the head” that made me relate more to Freeman than Jackson. Well, I guess a little too much incidental spilling of talcum powder onto the head when applying it under the armpit could be one of the causes to that.
I did sometimes put on my dark sunglasses at night. (“I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can so I can” - Corey Hart). Anyway, with the dark sunglasses on, had done a Stevie Wonder on the piano giving a rendition of Superstition song. Most people said that I got it right (minus the dreadlock and the full gleaming teeth) but did get a feedback that it turned out to be more like Ray Charles! Haven’t done it yet but at the next opportunity I should try to do a Ray Charles belting out the Great Balls of Fire.
Actually it was a compliment that I was more of a Ray Charles than Stevie Wonder. More macho, you…
Quite far off the mark for any resemblance (on the stomach, maybe) but tried to do a Ron Jeremy last night. I got off the bed to take a bath feeling like the country’s international soccer player after a losing game against Laos.