Starting Out After One Ending

I left Morgantown, USA in February, 1986. Dionne Warwick & Friends song “That’s What Friend’s Are For” was topping the Billboard charts at the time, while Mr. Mister’s “Kyrie” and “Sara” by Starship was controlling the radio airwaves. Left without meeting the requirement on academic qualifications.

When the scholarship sponsor’s rep asked me what I wanted to do, after it was confirmed that my scholarship was not being extended beyond the normal four years, without big hesitation (well, maybe for a few seconds to gather my courage) I answered that they can send me home.

I had the option of staying put to complete my studies but I had to pay everything on my own. Yeah, right. I already spent the previous semester without scholarship, hoping that the extension would come forth. Friends chipped in for the college tuition fees (soft loans), and I put in some part time jobs for my sustenance. It was not a way to live, I’m telling you. I heard a lot of people did it, but I had my reasons for not being able to.

That work-for-your-studies period was already an extra semester over the four years scholarship period. After rough periods in Chemical Engineering for three years, decided to change to Industrial Engineering studies two semesters earlier. Was doing alright in I.E, even though not much completed technical credit hours were able to be transferred from Ch.E. Extensive summer classes took care of some of that. Just need one more senior semester to complete for graduation.

Most friends advised against me going back with nothing. They were right on all counts but I have to decide for my own good. As much as I can recall, I told them to the effect that, rather than “having to eat sands” in a foreign place (direct translation), I’d as soon scrape the bottom of the barrel in my own backyard (current addition of idiom). Actually, what I said was, (direct translation again) I’ll know how “to scrape in the morning for morning’s meal, and evening scraping for evening’s meal” for my own mouth, in my own familiar areas. Even though failing everybody’s expectations (friends’, relatives’ and communities’) was an ultra-big issue for me then, I had to look at the then immediate future.

I did not think I could survive then, to complete my studies on my own - physically and emotionally - without scholarship money, or other financial assistance. The college friends had done so much for me already, and I didn’t want to impose / burden on them further. I was very sure that I will make it better on my own turf. I’ll know what to do, and I’ll find my back-ups in case things didn’t turn out alright along the way, on my home field; the home sweet home Malaysia. As the famous song of where I was says: “Country road take me home, to the place I belong, West Virginia mountain mama, take me home, country road”. It was cynically cruel that I was already there on the country road home, but was moving on the opposite road to go to my true home; to the place that I truly belong, West Malaysia!

There was no point in staying if the reason for staying was to complete my study, but the conditions – on most fronts - were not conducive for me to achieve that. It was time to move on, and find other paths to go on with my life.

I did not look at it this way then, but now it was like retreating from a battle to fight another day, to win the war.

To cut it straight to the mid-movie chase, I got back to Malaysia ready for more life skirmishes and battles by being just a “rank-and-file” instead of the equivalent of a commissioned officer. And battling it out I did. There were several instances that I had to decide whether to go for the win, or just not to lose the war.

I am definitely not losing it. I might already have won without myself knowing it.

More in next postings.